I’m home. Or as close to it as I can really get. What is home for anyone really – where you live? Where you are alive? Too many cliches about your heart or your hat… For the past week I’ve been with family and more than anywhere else, this feels like home. It’s not the place, the place is familiar in that visceral and sometimes oppressive way that where you grow up can be. No, home is family, it’s that bedrock of strength and support that is unwavering, that without, you become truly homeless. It’s the place you call or scamper to when you’re in trouble, it’s the people you call on when you need help, or return to when they need you.
Home is where you go to reconnect with the person you were, the one who helped make you who you are today. It’s been a little over a year since I’ve been here, that’s about my rotation, and with all the movement and change my life has seen in the past year, coming home is in so many ways just what I needed. A chance to check in with myself, my history, my present and future, to offer support and presence, to gather ideas and encouragement for the way forward. A lot has changed in the practical and emotional ways I live and experience life this last year, and taking a moment to better understand and appreciate what is happening has helped me take advantage of this momentum to keep my life moving in what I hope to be a positive direction. Is it? Well, only time will tell, but you may as well judge too. The approach is changing. Continue reading
How many times have I thought about this place, considered its purpose, its import to me, and to you. How many sentences I’ve started, how many topics touched on. How many more have I thought of, rolled around in my mind only to let them dissipate like a clearing fog. There are so many things I want to share, but my temperament and aptitude prohibit me from offering anything less than what I deem perfect, despite the fact that when I finally do, it is. This is a journal, yet one that has been cultivated, curated, and curtailed to fit an ideal, or at least to be pushed in a direction. Yet it is still just a journal, and my beliefs, my ideals and values bleed into every word published. It is my journal.
Sometimes perspective is so hard to find. We can try and pry ourselves away, to get a better view and see something new, but the world has a way of hiding clarity. This makes it precious really, and when it’s found we can so easily feel the understanding pulsing through our bodies.
I want to understand it all, nothing in particular really. I want to change my perspective of the world around me so it all clicks, so I can see it more clearly. Sometimes so much seems so unknown, so hectic, chaotic, and lost. What is the purpose? Other times you think you know exactly where you are, only to become aware you’ve been decieved, or decieving youself…
So instead I just go. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time and see where it takes me. I follow what feels good or right and try to do my best, to be my best…
And I look back often, to see where I have come. To see where I have been. Because sometime’s I’ve gone nowhere, or I’ve been stuck, and looking back can so easily break you free, give you that precious perspective for your place, your purpose, your person. Continue reading
It’s kind of like a sickness, I think. An addiction maybe. I get to the top of a ridge so I can see over the other side. But as soon as I make it, I’m pulled to the next ridge, the next horizon.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just kept going, how far I would make it. It’s kind of like the feeling you get standing at the edge of a cliff, like maybe I can fly. It’s a little scary, but exhilarating. Something is pulling you, telling you to take the next step.
I wonder if I just keep going, to the next ridge, the next mountain, maybe I’d never stop? Like time would cease and my body would merge with the infinite. It’s like that, kind of scary, kind of exhilarating, the unknown, the possibilities, pulling you into their embrace. But like jumping off the cliff, somehow self preservation is always whispering in your ear, a reminder, and I know I’d just end up dead. Spent and exhausted, exposed and cold somewhere in the wilderness completely unprepared for how deep I’d gotten myself. I wouldn’t make it back for work, darkness would descend and the feeling of magic and boundless possibility would be replaced with one of foolish dread. Stupid and scared.
I know this, but somehow I still don’t completely believe it. So I look away, or back at where I’ve come, or where I’m going. Anywhere but into the unknown, because it’s pulling me to0 hard.
Someday I’ll just keep walking, over every ridge and every horizon I can see. I’ll never stop and walk into a whole new world. Someday, but not today.
Love is great. I don’t mean to be overly cheesy here but love is just such an awesome part of out lives. We have love for people, for places, even for activities and objects, things that we hold dear. Love grows, and fades, we find it and lose it, but love has a very special way of imprinting itself on our lives so that even when it’s gone we can recall its power and importance. In this way love has a way of reminding us who we are, who we were, and who we want to be.
Last time I was here I was rambling on, wondering about the connection between Movement and Growth, what it is that encourages us to seek out change through new locations and experiences. I don’t really think I got anywhere with those thoughts but sometimes it’s just about getting the ball rolling. Well here I am, half a world away from home, from my real home in New Hampshire as well as my adopted one in Utah, and little by little I’m starting to gain the some perspective. Perspective of my homes, my place in them, their meaning to me, their gifts and opportunities, as well as their problems and shortcomings. I won’t lie, to me, a lot of the time, the world seems like a fucked up crazy place on the cusp of bursting or burning up. But it’s hard to remove yourself from the world, especially your own, to get the perspective you need to know if this is true, or what can be done about it. Sometimes the easiest way to get a new perspective is to actually step back and walk around to the other side. Travel and perspective go hand in hand, and to sometimes all it takes is a little movement to get the perspective you need to see if things are really as bad as you think, or why, or what might be done to help. Continue reading
What is it about horizons, our need to meet them, to explore what’s beyond? What is it about greener pastures, about breaking out in order to move forward, to improve?
I’m trying something new this summer, and when pressed about it I’m not always able to say exactly why. It’s the right time? Just trying a new path? In many ways what I’m doing now isn’t so different from what I’ve been up to, in others it’s entirely fresh and divergent. Despite all that, when I really ask myself about what’s going on, the words that speak the most to me are opportunity, exploration and growth. Continue reading