We’ve all got a story. Who we are, where we’ve been, what we stand for, we have our interests and occupations, our likes and dislikes. People can ask us questions and we answer authoritatively, “No I don’t like Brussel sprouts”, or “I’m an Electrician”. What we do becomes who we are, we grow comfortable and settle into these narratives of who we are, what we stand for, and what we care about. Meanwhile the world around us changes, circumstances of our lives change, the weather changes, everything changes. And yet we’re expected to remain dogmatic to this story of who we are, what we want, and where we’re headed. Stability, it’s called, or consistency.
It can be a good thing, humans are creatures of habit, after all. Goals are healthy, and people who have devoted their lives to a singular purpose have achieved some amazing things. But sometimes, we get stuck in a rut. Sometimes we’ve heard this story so many times that we’re not even sure how it’s started, where it’s going, or if it’s true. Sometimes it’s necessary to close the book, stop the narrative, and re-evaluate where things are headed. You’re writing this thing after all.
Many of you may know I recently chose not to return to a place I’d called home for a dozen years. Why? Ultimately I’ve got no better answer than that it was time to start a new chapter of the story. There were influences, sure, housing and relationship issues, the suicide of a close friend, all encouragements to make a shift in how, and where I lived my life. But ultimately things were good how I left them, and when forced to explain my actions I’m more inclined to draw on the reality that it was just time for a change. Alta will always have a place in my heart, and I may very well return, but after a decade of my younger years, that gnawing question of “what else is out there” had to be answered, and despite my love for writing an Alta love story, there were other lines to ski.
This narrative concept exists in many aspects of our lives, not just these larger themes but all the way down to the minutia, the day to day, the moment to moment, stream of consciousness line of thought endless babble of bullshit that spews from out minds. Quesitioning this narrative is difficult, quitting it, even more, and quite often days add up to weeks build into months lead into years, and before you know it, the future you were hoping to write is gone, time you can’t get back, a story you can’t write again.
If you’re thinking this is about striking off and living the life you’ve always thought about, then you’re wrong. But by all means, you should quit thinking about most shit and just make it happen. No, this is more about questioning the narratives we hear on a daily basis, one’s we tell ourselves and ones that are shouted out loud around us. One’s that have a habit of sucking our time and energy away from the bigger stories we’re trying to write about our lives and legacies. Think relationship drama, shitty co-workers, money problems, political and cultural headlines, whatever the dominant narrative in your head most days, unless you’re turning it into creative and practical actions, they’re useless.
There are two basic ways of being: mindful, and distracted. If youre being mindful you’re in the zone, you’re focused, you’re thoughtless, you’re doing something with the intensity and ease that belie it’s second nature. Otherwise you’re distracted, and while sometimes we need to be distracted, our livelihood and wellbeing rely on it, many other times we distract ourselves with unhealthy and unproductive narratives. Now, unless you’re a very devout monk, it’s difficult to go through life completely mindful. You’ve got to get out there and get amongst it. Chase you’re dreams, fall in love, buy groceries, go to work, get your teeth cleaned, read a book, watch some TV, hear the news, do you even want to be mindful for all that? Fuck no. So the rest of the time you’re distracted, Distracted by everyday needs and responsibilities, and the fleeting desires and aversions that follow right along. We’re no better than bouncing electrons or bumbling butterflies and when we run into things we want, things that feel good, we embrace, we flutter. Equally, when we encounter circumstances not to out liking, we flee, or otherwise become guarded. This is where the stories I want to talk about lie.
What is it you have the hardest time talking about? That’s what you need to look at. That’s the story you’ve got to read, no matter how difficult. Chances are, this story isn’t as deep as you think, or at least, it’s more like the first layer of an onion, one that makes your eyes water as you continue to peel back the layers.
You’ve probably got an easy one to start with, something about an engine light in your car, or a purchase you’ve been thinking of making. I’m not advocating for consumerism, but BUY THE FUCKING THINKG ALREADY. My point being, get you’re engine light fixed, shovel the driveway, do the fucking thing already. This line of action is emboldening, it is reinforcing, it leads you to the next and the next until you are releasing yourself from a relationship or job you’re heart isn’t in.
This is where things get interesting.
Questioning these narratives leads to profound and often difficult insights into the nature of our selves, our lives and our worlds. I say profound because they’re often revolutionary to the point of being unfathomable, and difficult because we often lack the understanding and tools to deal with them. But trust me when I say that you will figure it out, one way or another.
When our stories play again and again, we let ourselves become them, we let our stories bleed into other peoples bullshit. We are the upset boyfriend, the angry white male, the impatient driver, the shitty co-worker. Slow down, take a breath, what is it that’s bothering you? Can you change it? If yes then do it, to at least make the first smallish change towards that goal. Now. If not, well then shit, looks like you’re stuck. Stuck hearing the shit story about a what a bum deal you’ve got over and over and over. Can you change that story? Can you silence it without fleeing? Absolutely, you’ve just got to face that shit head on in the most awkward and uncomfortable way possible. You’re got to talk about it. You’ve got to tear off the band-aid, rip open the wound, pull at the heart strings. You’ve got to take a long hard look at why this is bothering you, what inadequacies and insecurities your situation is triggering in you.
Like I said, this won’t be easy, but it’s not nearly as painful or challenging as you might think. It’s highly revealing, rewarding, and will lead to increased happiness. This isn’t some self-help bullshit, I don’t have advice for you, I don’t know your situation or your story, but I do know this: I trust you. I trust you know what you want, I trust you know what your scared of. I trust you know the story playing out in your head and just how to write it’s ending.